Project Serve

harlow journal!

wow… its gg to be wednesday soon… garage is like next week.. so fast.. God.. pls help us all..  want to just thank God once again for providing me with money. like last week i only raised $80? but sunday came and now i have more than 2 months worth of amount! thank God

when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’ Luke 17:10

Alot have been said today and yesterday about Ezekiel and his trust and obedience. I think what impacted me most was the kind of nothingness that i am.. that i am nothing.. the realisation that i am nothing without christ.. that God, in his sovereignty actually chooses me, so unworthy, to be His servant.. and wad more could i say? 

 today sulian and randy approached me regarding mission trip to myanmar.. they wanted me to lead the team there.. i pray that God will really work in me… i just want to trust and obey Jesus Christ.. i am His servant.. just doing my duty, unworthy as i am..

Typing my thoughts now in the office because usually when I get home, usually I’m too tired to think or I just cannot recall properly the what was taught in the staff meeting..

In the army, I learn that some companies may have to sacrifice if it means that this help in achieving the objective in some ways. That means officers may have to obey higher authority and send their man to a battlefield which he knows that there’s a high chance his men will suffer heavy casualties. Today during the staff meeting, I learn that if we don’t view ministry in the light of God’s kingdom, the same kind of doom mission perception can also fool me and cause me to lose focus in serving the Lord.

Take street Evangelism for example. It has been and still is a struggle. Contact work lagi worse, I dun even call them… no time, lazy, scared, dunno wad to say.. but most importantly, I recognize today that it is because I know my audience is difficult. Unmoved by what I say usually. Ezekiel for example knew he was going for a so called “doom mission” in our eyes. God specifically told him that he will say what the Lord wants Him to say the people. The people should listen but they will not listen! That’s like telling Ezekiel go for a mission and don’t expect to succeed. Today, that’s like telling me to go tampines MRT and make people dislike you. Make people shun you. Make people reluctantly want to spend 5 minutes of their time listening to what they are not really interested in. But is it suppose to be like that?

How has the gospel affected me? Am I really certain that what I believe is true? Well no doubt about that! I believe that Jesus Christ was crucified on the cross for my sins so that today simply by having faith in Jesus Christ I can stand righteous before God. Simply by faith in Jesus Christ and the willingness to repent and turn to God, I can have eternal life. What amazing grace! But why does the fear and trembling overpower the joy and excitement I ought to have while sharing the gospel?

Success. A word so easily misunderstood by me while serving the Lord. It doesn’t mean how much of the response my audience gives me. What matters is my response to obey to God’s call to bear witness to Jesus Christ and to trust in Him in doing so! That is why although Ezekiel seemed to have hit rejection every time, he still is considered a successful prophet. What does this mean to me now? Holding the an evangelistic event for example and very few lives or zero lives change does not matter in God’s eyes if I am sure that I have been responding to God in obedience and in trust in proclaiming the glorious gospel. So that means I can just go and tell people about Jesus Christ and that’s it. Cause I’m responsible. Right? WRONG!

That is my problem now! Immediately I’m reminded about the M.U.S.I.C session where M means message, not the messenger. Although I am the messenger of God, it doesn’t mean that I am not the message. How much is the gospel being assimilated in my life? Do I consume what is preached to me and by me wholeheartedly so that every time I go out for street E I will be filled with so much joy and hope. So much so that it actually drowns all the fear and trembling? That I can focus my eyes so straight on Jesus that even if I get persecuted while preaching the gospel, I can look to the Lord and learn from Ezekiel and say that briers and thorns are all around me and I live among scorpions but Jesus Christ is my protector? My prayer is that every single time I be deployed for street E, I will be so excited about meeting new people and telling them about the story of Jesus Christ… that every new opportunity will be viewed with so much anticipation and hope and excitement and joy and every time is just gets better and better.. that even if trials of all kinds face me, I can loudly proclaim that the joy of the Lord is my strength!

Lord, let the gospel change my life truly. Hereby I stand being commissioned by you as a messenger of Yours. May I listen to, live by, and speak your word in faithfulness. In Jesus name, Amen.

so many thoughts r running through my mind now as i try to “pen” them down…

just came back from church orchestra rehearsal.. many times when i get home from church on friday nights.. i just feel very sad for the people i met during.. tonight’s one of those nights.. jade asked me things like why cannot pierce earhole dye hear wear wad she like to wear to church etc.. i came up with reasons from my limited knowledge but i realised only God’s wisdom can really convict her.. i din noe wad to say but really impress upon her to importance of reading the Bible and telling God all her questions.. i pray she will not leave the church and find the purpose reason and meaning of wad it means to come to church..

wad does it then mean to me? what does it mean to go to church and serve in the orchestra.. now that the orchestra wants to earn money through holding concerts so that they can buy more instruments.. wad should i think? wad should i say? why is de direction now turning so drastically? i remembered when i joined the orchestra in 2001, it was just simply to play during special occassions in service.. then it turned to attracting non christians to come which we din follow up much.. and now wad? going commercial? God.. wad do u tink? is this really wad u wan? somehow i just feel it isnt right.. and when jade asked me why i wanna waste my time in a lousy ensem like this.. i can only answer for the sake of Jesus Christ.. but now with this direction… how can i still convince her? i have to convince myself first… i pray that God will keep me going on if this is the place he wants me to serve…

garage practice was really led by God.. i really think prayers are important.. i thank God that though sometimes it may look routine.. prayers still form a bulk of something i should do before the event.. like.. i always feel something is missing withouht praying as routine as it may seem.. thank you Lord..

we did some stunts here and there like jumping and punching.. haha.. it was kinda fun.. i tink one thing to remember during this morning’s talk my michael is to really practise my parts and do my homework before coming for rehearsals.. its more than just not wanting to waste others pple’s time.. or to be confident.. but really because God has given me these gifts.. and i’ve got the responsiblity to make good use of them..

gifts from God are also to build up the body of Christ.. not to hao lian or gain glory fame or glamour or fortune.. somehow when i think of this, i always think Guards slogan is better than commandoes.. “ready to strike” sounds much better for “for honour and glory”..  so is that thinking in itself thinking i’m superior already? haha.. should be lar hor.. aiya.. why i always so army mode.. sometimes i wonder if i should sign on.. but siao one..

so back to the topic about gifts to build up the body of Christ.. i tink its quite easy to link this to church ministries and yfc.. but then i thought about uni life again.. lets say i really get into yst and do percussion major.. or even arts and social science for that matter..  how izzit for the body of christ? like.. doing well in my recitals can build up the church? or… writing well in essays can… i dunno… or izzit by doing well in recitals means i am better equipped to serve in church? like very far fetched leh…

how do i maintain the stand that i shouldnt feel superior or inferior to other pple.. how to apply? i tink the only way is to really recognize that God is the giver of all these things.. to really constantly thank God for them no matter how much or how little i feel i have cause feeling doesnt matter yeah.. the spirit gives as He wills.. so like.. hmm.. whether or not i have perfect pitch doesnt matter.. but rather.. wad am i doing with the relative pitch that i have to serve God better.. it is always about the community.. yes i am special.. but everyone is special! so how are we a group of unique pple coming together to work towards glorifying God.. so does that mean i cant glorify God on my own? no! but there’s also a place to glorify God as a group..

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working but the same God works all of them in all men. 1 Cor 12:4-6

the next step is how to apply them in my practise.. i realise alot of today’s session is about wad goes through in my mind.. God hems me inside out and knows wads going on all in my mind everyday.. it can be scary if i’m not obedient.. but wad great joy that fact can actually be cause God knows how i feel each day and he understands even without me telling him.. thats something very amazing and thankful to me..

may God have mercy on me.. i remembered when doing the money planning before project serve.. i told myself i must tithe of 10%… but halfway through.. i decided i shall make it 5% instead.. though money has caused so much dispute in my family before and i truly see it isnt everything.. times like these are evident that my sinful heart is not totally submissive.. i failed the test… but wad about future tests?

If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever… 1 tim 5:8.. no wonder mum told me she must get some money from my brothers every month.. not that she needs it.. but its right.. but somehow she’s like always “forcing” them to give.. in the sense that she really asks for them.. but its really a command from God.. i never knew such a verse existed! o how God speaks in His time!.. and on my part.. how much more should i be giving to parents and God now that God has blessed me with cooked lunch almost everyday amongst many other things..

another verse caught my attention also.. 2 cor 9:7  each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.. i heard many times about cheerful giver.. but decided in his heart to give.. so that means wad? that even before i put the money into the flag day container, it should have been decided before the month that i will be giving that money…

den one more principle also.. that we work to give.. eph 4:28 says that “he who has been stealing must steal no longer but must work, doing something useful with his hands. that he may have something to SHARE with those IN NEED”! to share… to give.. not to store riches..

so if God is the owner of everything, why do i still give? because giving to God and other is a mark of love for God.. i cant give to God and others and say that its nothing.. it will be painful.. and that’s my way of showing God that i love Him.. does it make sense in God’s kingdom? my practical goal in having, saving, and spending money ought to be able to give back to God and others. 

 met christine on the way to church today.. i very impressed at how she can do contact work so well.. i wonder how i can find time to spend with my contacts… in fact.. they are asking me out to play lan and go places but i’m really not free… and by the time i finish work.. they have to be home.. just very thankful to God for area ministries.. they are really people who bring the gospel around.. like wearing shoes of glory.. ahh haha  Praise the Lord!

wad will happen when project serve ends? will my life really change? can i be disciplined enough to change my life for God?  what does God see in my heart now? sometimes i dun even noe.. sometimes i just wished i din have to deal with sinful struggles i face… God help me.. amen

i dunno what to say..

the person who i thought wouldn’t even care about my pss just asked me about my fund raising for this month. i was even contemplating whether i should send him my pss.. when i told shawn that i only managed to raise $80 so far, he said “paid in full by Him. collect from me the money on sunday.” ! what can i say besides thank you God and praise the Lord.. i really do not know.. nor can i comprehend how amazing God works in my life.. i dunno for sure if the money is from shawn.. cause when i thanked him, he rejected it and said its not him.. he said he’s just a messenger.. i really never seen this side of him in church before.. always condemning local preachers and activities outside church despite being a project servant, he still cares and encourages me in project serve.. it has to be God working in all these.. only the love of God is able to bridge such a strange yet warm sense of apprehensive to love.. 

we managed to finish 1 cycle of all the 11 songs for garage as of today.. i dunno how it happened but all i noe is we couldnt have done it without God.. i realised something very intersting.. when we publicised to the other ministries about garage the first time, we highlighted 8 artists whose songs we will be performing.. but when we really got down to finalising the songs, we had less than 4 artists that were from the 8 we mentioned.. that got me thinking for a little while but i had to move on because practise had to start somewhere.. and somehow somewhere some things just happened without me realising it… today when i look at my songlist and compared it with the original 8, we had 6! that’s like 75% by pure God’s grace and planning.. He makes everything beautiful in His time.. what can explain such a phenomenon other than God’s hand establishing the work of our hands.. i remember mum telling me one morning not very long ago before i went for work.. “愿上帝坚立你所做的工”  Indeed, “May the favour of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us - yes, establish the work of our hands.” - Psalm 90:17.. words spoken by God thourgh my mum’s mouth just mean so much to me..

mum is so good to me.. thank you God for giving me supportive parents.. mum’s resigning because there’s some problem between her co worker and principal.. these few days haven been good for her.. all i could do was listen to her and i dunno wad to say.. but she never fails to smile and care for me in terms of food and words.. such a great mother.. may dad and mum love each other more.. may God establish the work of their hands too.. amen

wonder how’s the drama team going.. sarabelle looks quite stressed with all her dance and piano.. ella and jeanette’s always so cheerful.. matthew looks like the strong and silent type and martin is full of energy always.. haha! today’s drama was so funny!! it made mine pale in comparison but who cares.. haha.. really enjoyed myself.. i think martin can really act and not only that, he gets pple in his team to join in his craziness somehow and the result is chaotic entertainment.. 

God’s values vs world values.. sometimes i forget that i belong to the kingdom of God and world values just seem to root in my mind.. now its easy to keep reminding myself because the environment everyday is as such we will stay close to God and fully depend on Him.. i wonder and sometimes even worry what will happen when i finish this term of project service.. will i remind myself and delibrately make an effort to live a Godly live in university? God.. please never let me go…

i’ve been thinking about catchpoole’s sermon.. really so much to think about and apply into my life.. how do i differentiate what is world views which are not of the kingdom of God’s? may God help me in removing spiritual pride.. as kelvin reprimanded me, i have to watch out.. let the story of the tortise be on my head always..

tmr’s street E again.. i feel challenged.. but for the love of God i will go.. for Christ’s sake.. after all.. He died for me to remove my sins and the people on the streets.. what better reason do i need to preach the glorious gospel? may God give me a courageous heart to spread the gospel fearlessly and faithfully..

today’s staff meeting was a first time experience for me in the sense that this rev catchpoole from australia spoke to us via webcam.. we din receive very good signals and half the time couldn’t really catch what he was saying.. i tink it could be also why God made him miscalculated the time and end up he only had 15mins to talk to us.. haha..

however during that 15 to 25 mins of short sermon, there was just so much much much new information and knowledge and wisdom there to learn from me.. i know a part of me just wanted to switch off because i couldnt really hear what he was trying to say.. but i remembered about samuel’s listening to God.. and i really could catch bits and pieces of what he was saying.. and that was enough.. more than enough.. should he go on, i dun tink i could catch any furthur..

deceiving and misjudging.. what a very real situation it is in the the world today.. and also in my life! wow.. how God speaks in his perfectly timed planning.. i’m just so amazed.. i was asking the LORD to take away the pride i have in me in church.. like going to YF now is just like wasting time.. wad i learn in yfc is just so much more than in yf.. as a matter of fact, in service too.. i talked to dexter and he ended up telling me he agrees our church lacks good Bible teachers.. o man..  den how?

but as Rev Catchpoole was speaking, i knew God was telling me that there’s nothing to boast at all.. i really have to be a fool to be wise also.. and really i’m in position to judge about these things.. 1 corinthians 3:18 - 4:21

i hope i can really consolidate properly what i learn today.. there’s just so much things that i dunno and the worrying part is i dunno wad i dunno.. may God open my ears and eyes so that i may see and hear..

God gave me a way out… finally.. 1corinthians 10:13 no temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man, but God is faithful who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the tempation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. 

without God, i can never escape the grab sin has on me.. its only because of my faith in Jesus Christ and him being crucified, for my sins..

may this verse from 1 cor 10:12 be my memory verse: “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall” 

Blessed be the name of the LORD 

had our first band prac yesterdae.. really struggled with the song you give me something.. not used to the kind of rhythmic feel.. have problems keeping tempo too.. got to work on that..

did romans at YF yesterdae.. such a coincidence that yfc also doing romans trail.. 

Lord, i pray that u keep fu yi and jun han.. i dunno what ur plans are for them but i know that u love them.. help me be a good teacher.. work in me to declare ur words fearlessly and faithfully.. hand up to you jingyi, qian ning, le en, you yao, xuan lin, yixuan and samuel..

God.. please give me strength to go on… 

the audition’s finally over! one mission down.. personally i think i can’t get in, from the looks of jon fox.. but i know i couldnt have played what i played if not without the power of God.. so just wanna give thanks and obey wherever He wants me to go.. 

This morning’s message by Michael Chan was just so powerful.. I think it really is important to put Jesus Christ and Him crucified as the foundation in all that we do or plan first.. so often, even in ministry, i can just be lost with the flow and end up concentrating too much on  the theme rather than Jesus Christ.

What am I confident in? Why do i practice so hard for a concert or an audition or a praise and worship session in church? i realise i practise because i hate the feeling of unpreparedness.. even the slightest of that feel i couldn’t take it.. before every performance, i must know that i can do it even weeks or months before.. but today i learn that that shouldn’t be the case because i would than be have confidence in myself instead of Jesus Christ.. similarly in ministry, if i practice because i want to feel ready, than i wouldnt be depending on the Lord.. i might be praying for God to help me but He looks at my heart and He knows what i’m thinking.. i want to be found practising because i want to exercise my confidence in my Lord Jesus Christ that He is equipping me.. in what way i do not know, but He is working in me.. pursuing results is no longer for fame and fortune but rather as a form of equipping and serving the Lord.. that even when playing in the secular world, i can still be worshipping the Lord.. this is my prayer today Lord..

my goal is not to draw attention to myself but to point others to God’s greatness.. i think i will definitely struggle with this because more than once pple will tell me what a good job i’ve done.. even today this has happened, but not musically.. rather my character.. i pray that at these times i will really think of God and that my heart and mouth will all point to God’s greatness.. may God mould me in this growing process..

 Romans trail was in the evening.. though tired.. i thank God that He still kept me alert and able to hear His voice.. though these things are always in the Bible.. everytime when i hear them being explained.. i know God more and more.. may the knowledge that come stay with me so that God can help me preach the gospel fearlessly and faithfully.. 

He makes everything beautiful in His time.. 

i need to organise my file… 

i am 10 minutes to my audition day for yst…

 just finished helping my mum type some stuff.. now doing some last minute printing for tmr’s audition.. i din noe heartdrive actually sounded ok.. thank God andrew brought his laptop today so we could do the recording.. though not the best.. but at least we know now how we can work on and improve on the music.. may we work as a band and do this project for Him alone..

 this morning’s time management session was indeed very helpful.. it reminded me that God alone rules over everything.. He’s like the umbrella in control of every single thing of my life.. and i should make use of my time to really live for Him alone. i think this idea of looking at time in a “opportunity” way instead of a chronograph way is very new to me.. but i think the Bible passages brought out were relevant enough to help me understand how and why i should see time in the way Jesus looks at it.. it kinds of reminded me that God already knows what will happen tmr.. and i should just commit the audition to Him..

i remembered last year august while applying for the audition, i told God that i really hope to get the scholarship.. that if i cant get it, i will still continue in arts and social sciences even if i get the placing in music.. really dunno what will happen tmr.. dun even noe if i can get in or not..  I want to just commit it to the Lord

did street E at eastpoint today.. it was rather challenging to find an entry point to share the gospel with the people who agreed to do the questionnaire.. thank God the people were receptive to listening at least.. really dunno how i should continue to keep in touch with the people.. i remembered that there were quite a number of ITE students whom i was supposed to approach but i din really dare.. their looks and actions kinda repelled me to approach them.. i’m not sure whether the others did approached them.. but i noe i din talk to a single ITE student.. but thank God He still gave me the chance to share gospel with some students.. 

1 st gabs guy asked me.. so u depend on God alot? i said.. yes… he said.. why dun u try to depend on urself? i said.. cause i noe i’m weak and only God can save me and help me.. 

only God can save me tmr… God help me.. 

hi journal!

 its evelyn’s 21st birthday tmr.. zitong and i are trying to think of wad to get for her.. finally thought of topshop voucher.. haha

thinking about the consolidation session this morning.. i think the staff meeting yesterday led by michael’s really interesting.. i actually could stay on track with what he was speaking and learn many important truths.. i think one of the important points which i learnt from the 2 mornings is that i could fall into the danger of not being able to instruct others if i cannot listen to God.. God is always speaking to me, through the Bible at least.. can i hear Him? 

this made me recall that last year.. there were times where i really dragged my feet to teaching sunday school.. some of these times, i really felt unprepared.. it felt like, i was so busy with preparing lessons that i did not even sit down to reflect upon myself.. those days were really scary and i really hope not to go back to them.. may God help me turn away from such sin..

i think one change i have to make is to change my mindset about QT.. many times it just feels like i have to do it because.. its my duty as a christian, a duty as a project servant.. but i realise that the reason should really be because i want to know God more.. that should be the utmost reason.. the wrong reasons, i feel, could lead to not being able to listen to God.. i thought about how many times i could just get easily distracted.. i really hope to have quality QT sessions with God..

this friday is my audition.. i really feel unprepared.. never in my life have i felt more unprepared for a music performance than this.. usually, i would be more than prepared at least 1 month before.. now, i dun even have the timpani mutes.. although i really committed this whole thing to God, my heart still pounds a bit when i tink of how i’m gonna face jon fox this friday.. i did some practising today on my snare.. thank God i still can play.. how to prepare for marimba? xylophone? timpani? unless God really wants me to do music which is my desire… i seriously doubt my chances of getting in the conservatory… may God lead and guide and give me a heart to obey His plans..

something not very nice happened today over one of my brothers.. Jesus.. pls dun let him go.. 

I want to thank God today for giving me the wisdom to deal with Junhan.. God really worked in me and rescued me from the evil ones.. today, i learnt from ming yu lao shi that indeed we are dealing with very real evil forces among the children.. somehow, she made me realise that there were lots of instances where we can see the evil spirits working in the bodies of the children.. for eg, some can just suddenly run around everytime the Bible is open, and when teachers grab them by the hand.. they just fall flat on the ground.. and for Junhan’s case, its just very rebellious…

but i tink God used Junhan to allow me to see God’s glory.. like from the nonsense he said, i somehow could link them to important Bible truths.. like his random comments of volcanoes explotion, God made me impress upon the kids that its never too early to repent cause we never know when we’re gonna leave this earth.. and today, he asked a very good question that is if we go round killing people everyday but we repent in the end, does it mean God will forgive.. i tink Jinyi answered very well.. i was able to bring them to 2 Peter 1:3 and share with them about what i learn during last monday’s talk by chien chong.. really praise God and may all glory be to Him only!

usually when insurance agents call, i will just give a lame excuse and knock it off my mind.. strangely when noelle called today, i was just reminded that salvation is for everyone and that God is using me everyday to spread His love to others.. light of the world was today’s YF’s msg too.. so i decided to just talk and make friends with this lady, 26 yrs old.. she’s that kind of nu qiang ren who still persists on working even on a sunday night in the office.. very nice lady but she’s proritising work as the highest importance of her life.. and i tink thats very sad.. hm.. somehow i really wanted to share the gospel to her there and then on the phone.. but i thought maybe i wanna really make friends first.. so invited her to garage.. but then again she wasnt free on both nights..

may God give me to wisdom to really know how to spread the gospel responsibly..

looking forward to tmr morning’s lesson..